1) No matter how prepared you think you are, it will be YOUR fault that you forgot to bring a tissue, bottle of water, fly wipe, spare stud kit, set of matchy matchy bandages, different bit, hoof oil or kitchen sink with you down to the dressage warm up. Whatever they want, you will have left it at the box, so off you go...or prepare yourself for abuse.
2) Trying to remind your partner of a key quote from their last lesson while they are "in the zone" will always result in a glare that Medusa herself would have been proud of. Anyway, its too late to polish a turd so why put yourself up for the abuse ? 3) Its sods law that your partner will be tiddling about in the furthest corner when the steward starts calling for them. Remember that it is now YOUR job to attract their attention. Good luck with that. Especially as they've been ignoring you since #2. Its bound to end in abuse. 
4) No matter where you stand in the showjumping warm up, you will be in someones way. Your partner, of course, will think nothing of hollering "up a bit"... "down a bit"... "out a bit"... at you while you dodge certain death at the practice fences. Failure to have the pole back in place, before the next rider shouts "UPRIGHT" at you, invariably results in abuse.
5) Spectating around the show jumping arena is both fool hardy and dangerous. Especially when your partner goes in. Those with brittle bones or one leg may find themselves in danger of keeling over during the mid air phase of every jump. I am not talking about the horse's mid air phase, I am talking about that little "hup" your legs will do, completely involuntarily, every time your rider takes off. However, failure to face the right way during their moment of fame - or shame - may lead to abuse. So, #eyesfront ...and try not to kick the steward. 6) Riding the cross country course only requires a fraction of the skill of walking it with your riding partner. You must remember every fence and check its colour coded number. You must NOT say "Jeeeezus thats huuuuuge" or "oh, these all look easy". Neither must you comment on the ground or allow the rider to think negatively at any point. On the other hand, smugness that it is not you that having to ride it, or the use of "tally ho" may be considered as abuse of your position. Dont go there. 7) Loneliness is the reserve of the eventing spouse. Once that foot is in the stirrup, you are alone. Walks down to the collecting ring are not romantic occasions. You need to have brought your fastest walk if you want to be part of the action. Failure to get a wiggle on leaves you, at best, floundering in your horse's fart cloud as he or she disappears into the melee of other hopefulls down near the start. At worst you may find your-panicking-self not looking where you are going and inadvertently trampling through a rogue pile of dog poop in your best boots. And no one needs that kind of shit on the journey home. 
8) Eventing partners need camera and video skills that would put Lord Snowdon to shame. Failure to capture that special moment because you were hurtling backwards, trying to get your target into focus, with your face pressed up against your iPad has its own risks...not least that the fence judge who is watching you approach backwards at speed would love nothing more than to blow their whistle right in your ear. You have only yourself to blame because other spectators love a helpless victim and will add their own kind of abuse as you shuffle off, humiliated, deafened and with nothing but a blurry shot of half a horse and a headless rider to show for it...
9) No matter how desperate you are, NEVER be drawn to the mobile loos out on the course. Especially while your rider is out there. Firstly, 300 competitors each day have walked that course and will have, no doubt, visited that confessional for a chat with God. Secondly, there is nothing more disconcerting than hearing your rider go thundering past while your are inconvenienced. Worse still is exiting said Portaloo and seeing your rider stop as the slamming of the Tardis door spooks the horse 3 strides out from the Trakehner of Death. Oh no ! You can almost hear it now - that's if the fence judge hadn't just put paid to your ear drums at #8.. 
10) Finally Omnipresence is a skill eventing partners must learn if a relationship is to flourish. It's important to make sure that you get to see at least some part of the cross country round no matter how exhausted you are. You must be at the start to shout "GOOD LUCK". You must be mid course for the photo opportunity.
You must be back at the finish line ready to cheer or commiserate. You must also be back at the lorry for when they arrive "post Adrenalin surge"; busily pre-soaking the ice boots, putting all the tack away and finding your beloved their bottle of Isotonic juice. Because, after all, eventing is the realm of the athlete.... not that you'd know because, well, you're just the other half. And well, you quite like the abuse, dont you...??!! |
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