This is The Horse Owner. They may look quite complicated but they are actually very simple to understand. They run off a massive credit card bill and alcohol.
The Horse Owner has a horse. They keep the horse at The Yard. The Yard is a magical place where time disappears. Even a quick visit to The Yard will take the Horse Owner hours. Legend has it a horse owner once quickly nipped to The Yard to move some electric fencing, they have never been seen again.
At The Yard The Horse Owner has to muck out their stable. They remove every last piece of poo, put in lots of lovely clean bedding, sweep the floor and make it all immaculate, every single day. The Horse Owner has not tidied their own bedroom for nearly a year.
After The Yard The Horse Owners favourite place is The Tack Shop. The Tack Shop contains lots of beautiful, magical things that The Horse Owner must have in their life. These things are essential to become the best horse owner they can possibly be, therefore it is only right they spend all of their bonus on the contents of The Tack Shop.
The Horse Owner has a car. This is not a place for another person to get into unless they are very, very brave and have a strong constitution. The car contains straw, horse feed, several bridles and a hoof pick. One day The Horse Owner’s car broke down and the man from the rescue company kept winking at The Horse Owner because they had a whip on their passenger seat.
The Horse Owner sometimes has to go places that are not The Yard or The Tack Shop. The Horse Owner wears the clothes that they mucked out in and don’t see a problem with it, even though they are covered in mud and horse slobber, and smell funny.
The Horse Owner gets to see The Farrier every 6 weeks. The Farrier puts shoes on the horse and takes £100 from The Horse Owner. The Farrier runs to FMT (Farrier Mean Time) this means no-one is really sure what time The Farrier will turn up. Even if The Farrier says he will be 10 mins FMT means this could be any time from 2 minutes to an hour.
The Horse Owner thinks The Farrier is a bit grumpy. The Farrier is a bit grumpy. He is grumpy because he doesn’t really like horses but he started training to be a farrier when he was 16 and he thought there would be more fit, blonde girls in tight breeches to flirt with.
The Horse Owner sometimes receives something called The Vet Bill. This is something they have to pay after they called The Vet out on a Sunday afternoon because The Horse tried to cut off its own leg to get out of being ridden. The Horse Owner has a bit of a crush on The Vet and is sad that they only get to see them when they are wearing their really old breeches with the hole in the crotch.
The Vet Bill has a lot of numbers on it which makes The Horse Owner’s legs go weak, their vision a bit funny and their overdraft bigger.
The Horse Owner might seem like a strange creature, but really they aren’t. The Horse Owner has never forgotten what it was like to be the pony mad, but ponyless child they were once upon a time. The Horse Owner remembers when they pretended to ride a horse everywhere they went and would run out to stroke a pony that hacked past their house.
Now when The Horse whinnies at The Horse Owner they forget all about the vet bills, the mucking out and the grumpy farrier, and The Horse Owner is very, very happy!
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Future Muddy Mayhem guides :
How it works: The Eventer
How it works: The Dressage Diva
How it works: The Showjumper
How it works: The Pony Club Mum
How it works: The Riding School
How it works: The Livery Yard